On Raising Kids ...

Young adolescence can be a troubling time. There are scores of disturbing indicators to prove it including the steady rise of impulsivity, depression, suicide, violence, peer cruelty, and substance abuse. In addition we are seeing a growing rise in disrespect for authority, incivility, vulgarity, cheating and dishonesty.

We’ve been relentless in our efforts to make a change. But in all our interventions the one area often overlooked is the moral intelligence of the young adolescent. Moral intelligence consists of the personal, social, mental, emotional, and moral skills that make up solid character and guide moral behaviours. It is the capacity to understand right from wrong. It means to have strong ethical convictions and to act on them so that one behaves in the right and honourable way. Moral intelligence is what a young adolescent needs most to counter negative pressures and do what’s right with or without adult guidance.

Cultivating moral intelligence may well be our best hope. The latest research confirms strong moral character can be learned and how teaching it can enhance our students` pro-social behaviours and replace negative ones. However, teachers are not their students’ most powerful moral instructors – parents are. Unfortunately, parents often don’t use their influence due to misconceptions. These seven parenting myths are especially deadly to kids’ Moral IQ:

7 Deadly Myths About Raising Moral Kids

MYTH 1: Moral intelligence develops naturally.
One thing is certain: kids aren`t born with moral intelligence. Moral IQ is learned! The best school for learning the critical habits of solid character is always in the home. Too often parents assume these habits develop naturally: and it`s a major misconception. To ensure kids acquire strong moral habits and beliefs, parents must intentionally model, reinforce, and teach the virtues and habits comprising Moral IQ. Unless they do, chances are their kids won`t acquire them, and they`ll be left morally defenceless.

MYTH 2: How kids turn out is all in the genes.
Most of us would agree there are some ``givens`` we can`t change about our kids, such as their genetic makeup and their innate temperament. But even those are not etched in stone. Research verifies it. One 12-year study of 72-pairs of genetically related adolescents found their biological tendencies could be either be encouraged or stifled depending on how their parents responded to them. The bottom line: biology is not destiny if parents realize that a good deal of how kids turn out rests in how they treat their kids. If kids are treated morally and deliberately taught moral skills and beliefs, researchers say chances are high they will become moral. But the first critical step is for parents to realize they do make a difference in how their kids turn out.

MYTH 3: Moral beliefs are set by early teens.
Research confirms moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children`s lifetimes. In fact, current studies say the part of the brain where conscience is formed isn`t fully developed in males until 21 years of age. The adolescent years are when kids need adult guidance about tough moral choices most. So moral-building endeavours must be continuous and not stop during those teen years when parents often erroneously believe their kids` moral growth has stopped.

MYTH 4: Peers influence kids` morals more than parents do.
Scores of studies-including ones by the American Academy of Pediatrics - report that while peers do have a huge moral influence, parents influence their kids on moral issues that matter most such as religion, education, and values. Peers influence deals more with daily issues such kids` entertainment, music, and dress choices. Parents must recognize they can still have the inside track in their children`s moral development because they can have the closest relationship, if they chose to nurture it. The bottom line: peers will be a bigger moral influence if parents allow them to be. And today`s parents can`t afford to make that mistake.

MYTH 5: Intelligent kids turn out morally intelligent.
Intelligence does not guarantee moral behaviour. If you need proof just think of brilliant leaders-such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin-who were also evil. If parents are to succeed in raising moral children they must help their kids not only think morally but also act morally. And that means they must deliberately teach their kids critical Moral IQ skills such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, managing anger, negotiating fairly, using self-control, etc. We`ve always known that the true measure of character rests in our actions-not in mere thoughts. Unless children know how to act right, their moral development is defective. And that knowledge rests not in their IQ score but in what they`ve been taught.

MYTH 6: Moral growth starts at school age.
A common mistake parents make is waiting until their kids are 6 or 7- the so-called Age of Reason-to build their moral IQ. By then poor moral habits have formed and are so much harder to break. The fact is parents can start enhancing kids` moral growth when they are toddlers. Although at that age they certainly don`t have the cognitive capacities to handle complex moral reasoning, that`s when the rudiments of moral habits-such as exercising self-control, being fair, showing respect, sharing, and empathizing-are first acquired. So the earlier parents begin cultivating their kids` moral capabilities the better the chance they have of raising good moral beings.

MYTH 7: Previous generations didn`t build kids’ Moral IQ, so parents today shouldn`t have to.
Today`s kids are being raised in a much more morally toxic atmosphere than previous generations for two reasons. First, a number of critical social factors that nurture moral character are slowly disintegrating: adult supervision, models of moral behaviour, spiritual or religious training, meaningful adult relationships, personalized schools, clear national values, community support, stability, and adequate parents. Second, our kids are being steadily bombarded with outside messages that go against the values we are trying to instil. Both factors make it much harder for parents to raise moral kids.

Today`s parents can no longer sit back and assume their kids become decent human beings. Deliberately teaching the moral virtues and habits that make-up strong Moral IQ is the best assurance parents have that their kids will lead moral lives. Their first step is dispelling seven deadly myths so their kids do turn out moral.

hi...your article is really nice. i liked reading it! and i can actually imagine the scene.

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Hello
Thanks for a nice article. In a way, you have expressed my dilemma. Growing up, not only was I the youngest one in my immediate family but also among our relatives. So I didn`t have much exposure to kids in the family. Now that we have all these cutie pies stepping into the world, I have such a hard time dealing with them. I love kids but I am just not used to the whole choatic ambience that they create.
It is hard raising kids in the west, but in a way I think its better to raise kids in an isolated environment rather than in an enviornment like the joint family system in the east where kids tend to mature faster than they should. Both sides have their advantages and disadvantages but I think if parents early on develop a close relatioship with their kids then they don`t necessarily miss out on the support provided by joint family systems.

Thanks, Rakapo$h.

t,
Read the inspired version. Guess its the same story everywhere!
And thanks for striking off the `bibi`...............it has given me the courage to drop off the `ji`!
Regards,
Saman.

maryam:

…kids are a never-ending heartburn:)…and each stage has its moments…from birth, toddlerhood, young adolescence, teenage and later…benchmarks and goalposts keep getting removed farther and farther…but there is never really an end…it is hard to explain to kids that by staying up till they return you are not sending them on a guilt trip… that parental concern would not let you sleep…that…..khair…welcome to chowk and hope to read more from you…

lve,

t

ps:

saman thanks for your post…and the inspiration it provided:)

maryam,

very nice article. i could relate to the topic since our first kid is 4 weeks old. we have a card that says ``kids are a piece of heaven``. sometimes we really doubt that. but without kids life will be terribly boring too.

Another observation...

In my local park, I have never seen Madame Butukh having out of control little ones. But I have often found kittens jumping around and scracthing things. That says a lot. Human beings should start having Madame Butukh and Co as pets vs. cats and dogs. Both have bad influence on human beings and vice versa.

Rest later,

I think if one is in Australia then one ought to learn from Kangaroos on how to keep the little ones in line :) I have yet to see a kangaroo in a movie or elsewhere running after a baby kangaroo since the baby kangaroo could not be controlled. I am serious. Humans can learn a lot from Mother Goose/Duck and Mrs. Kangaroo. Apparently, they know how to tackle this problem with less worries :)

saman,
that was fun to read....:)
so maryam,
your own experiences are actually zero, zilch right now. no no no no....taking care of nieces or nephews or hubby`s friends`s kids at dinner time doesnt even come close. Read Saman`s post again and again. specially the sleep part. :)

It appears you are newly wed and still very young, so I suggest have atleast 5 year of marriage with fun, and complete your studies and other goals but you would ultimately want a child. yes you would. :)

Something else that must be mentioned is that ``It`s tough to raise good and balanced kids.`` The adjectives are essential to compliment the parents who did a great job, despite their competing priorities in life. But for the women who are full time house-wives, it`s pretty pathetic if they cannot raise well mannered kids. Kangaroo reminds me of something else. I find the kangaroos one of the cutest and darling animals. Sometimes, I feel like associating the sweet kangaroo to human beings who are very protective about their offsprings. There is a certain sweetness associated with the said animal.

Something else that is extremely important is that kids should not be brought into this world because women have the biological physique to carry a baby. There should be a concrete purpose behind that. Just some random thoughts...

Maryam,
For the past week or so I have been procastinating writing an article about the problems of raising kids...not the average, ordinary kind, but the real tough ones...the mischievous, bull headed, obstinate, with a mind and attitude of their own kids.You just beat me to it.
To borrow from Reader`s Digest: I don`t know if my children are bringing more joy and happiness in my life or driving me to my early grave!
And I don`t even live in a foreign land!
Eversince the ten and a half pound bundle followed by a considerably smaller six and a half bundle arrived in my life, I`ve been utterly, totally, completely consumed by motherhood. Its been eight years and I`ve yet to have a full night`s blissful sleep except one fortunate night when I stayed back at my parent`s place. Boy! Did I enjoy the whole big double bed to myself! When I admitted so my mother was all frowns!
My kids...two girls...simply drive me nuts. I call them my `excess baggage,` `rebels without a pause,`... tear my hair out in frustration and scream myself hoarse but they remain unmoved. They are smart, mischievous, stubborn, hyper-hyper active, street smart and diplomatic. They eat less than a bird but are more powerful than any tornado. Jane kahan se itni energy aati hai! We apply the reverse psychology to get any work done for they always refuse to do what they are asked for. My brother-inlaws` sons are more obedient than them! Ma ki ek awaaz ayi nahi ke daude chale gaye..........yahan, sara mohalla hazir hojayega per these two will be forever busy mindless of my calls that become louder by the second! Meal times give us the migraine. Temper tantrums are a common feature. When they don`t throw one, we wonder if something is wrong! I get the ulcers when they fall sick for administering medicine is a herculean task. The entire family gets involved in the exercise. They refuse to sleep and wake up early. `Sada` (lousy) is the most used word in their vocabulary.............from food to school to clothes to the other sibling, everything is `sada`. At the end of the day, I am tired to my soul!
We often wonder why Allah miyan chose us to bless us with these two hurricanes! Jane kaunsa gunah sar zad hogaya humse, my husband keeps wondering! `Main inse nahi jeet sakta,` he confesses! He calls the little one `fitni` and `hurkat-ul-ansar` and `lashkar-e-toyba` both rolled into one!
I call them India and Pakistan forever fighting over their little possession...me!
`Mummy hona` is the refrain that reverberates and echoes in our house the most. Followed by hubby`s order or request depending upon the situation and his mood: Jo bhi kar rahi ho sab chod kar fauran bache ke paas ajao!
When family and friends implore us to have another baby, hamari shaklein dekhne layaq hoti hain! Jaise koi horror movie ka zikr hogaya ho!
My mother complains: Both of you lelt them rule over you...ek baar saqti karo phir dekhna kaise seedhe hote hain.
Mother-in-law is patience personified: Hota hai koi koi bacha aisa, she says smilingly aur meri jaan jal jati hai! My husband keeps imploring his sister to adopt atleast one of them!
We are simply clueless. We`ve tried every trick in the book and failed.
But still..........................................................................................we wouldn`t trade them for anything in the world...............................................................for they are our two anmol ratans!
Regards,
Saman.

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Maryam,

Never mind # 9 Jay-gay. He is never happy with his life or with anyone for that matter. His posts are never positive (I hope he does not have kids, it would be bad if he actually is a father) I can only imagine the kind of moral boost he can give to his off springs.

Jay - let it go man. BTW- How`s your treatment on Prozac?

Maryam,

Another article from a shallow pakistani exposing the void in the pak social values. Coming from a country where the population groww at 3 percent a year, where the children are the gifts of allah, children grow like weeds to be harvested by the jihadis, it is amazing to see a pakistani woman in the garb of a so called westerner talking about children as a life style option. The author grown up listening to the call for namaz from the loadspeakers comes to australia and is talking about the trials and tribulations of bringing up a child, the shallow values of the pak society has so soon sublimated in the heat of australia.

May be this reflects the hopelessness that permeates pak society. In most poor countries people like to have children and bestow the best on them so that they have some hope of making it. In pakistan the peole cannot even hope for the next generation. patheic.