My Urban Widowhood

Samina Ji,
We live in such an illogical world and yet we try to find logic in all that happens. But the one thing I, or for that matter most of us, cannot come to terms is this cutting short of life like this. Ik Pal Zindagi kujh hor hundi ae, doojey ee pal hor di hor...
But it requires courage to live and express the way you do. I salute you.
Regards

I really do not have words to express the sorrow i have felt at reading yr tribute. They say, if you miss them a lot some part of yr soul touches the ones that have passed on from this life and brings them happiness somehow. I have no doubt that your Rizwan is smiling in heaven right now at the courage his spouse possesses, at the path he made her choose even in his absence and at the beauty of their love which is eternal.

Gluck with whatever life brings your way

Manmahesh,
Sat SriAkaal!
I dont check, havent gone back to these old articles for years. Perhaps it was the spiritual power of your kind words that brought me here. Thank you for your words of appreciation. I am grateful that my writing is cathartic for people - dukh is not easy to share but when it is, it provides comfort to all who experience it.

Yet another promising life has been cut short in Pakistan recently and I have been searching for answers. Our politics and nationalities aside, Benazir didnt deserve to die at the prime of her life any more than Razi did, or Rajiv, or Diana or any one of the many beautiful people who inspired others in their circle, big or small, and who made this world a happier place. May her soul rest in peace. I am reminded of a qataa from Faiz which spoke to my heart when Razi embraced shahadat. I dedicate it to Benazir:

Merey charagar ko navaeed ho
Saf-e-dushmanan ko khabar karo
Woh jo qarz rakhtey the jaan par
Woh hisaab hum ne chuka dya!

I have come back to CHowk after 2 years and I dont know why the first search I made was of Rizwan. Samina, I dont know if you check your interacts anymore on these articles. But I never can read any write-up by you (in the memory of your Shaheed Rizwan) without a moist eye.
May Waheguru grant him peace.

Samina,

I hope I’m not giving you unwanted advice, because I know what you’re going through (or what you went through). You see I lost my best friend as well, my mother. What I was left with was a broken father who I did not know, and two younger sisters who I would have to be mother to. The endless advice was probably the most annoying part of grieving, it’s not so easy to sit with “aunties” while they express how much they pity you. My girls and me were the most pitied Pakistani girls on this side of the metropolis, I’m sure of that.

I hope your grief has lessened by now. I think becoming a workaholic is going to keep your depression lingering, as you said, you will keep entering and exiting the abyss… so I advise you to become your children’s best friends. Family is what pulled me out of my grief. As cold as it may sound, I replaced my relationship with my mother with my sisters and father (sadly sometimes they still don’t suffice as good replacements). However, family is a beautiful thing no matter how ravaged or broken it may seem. Best of Luck in all of your endeavors.

Samina

Samina ,

I came across your article on widowhood in the PAF by chance. It

really touched my heart to the deepest core imaginable. Being an

Air Force personnel wife myself. and an employee of the said

PAF I would really take the opportunity to highlight a few things.

Somehow or the other, my heart was always soft to the widows in PAF

and alot of my friends are the widows of PAF.


Lahore base, where I lived, has married officers` houses/flats where we lived and right

in front were, much to my disappointment, the labeled `widow`

houses. You know why it hurts because the same place where once my

friend whose husband piloted Gen Zia`s plane lived grandly, now

lived in the same place but in a ``widow`` house.

Can`t you please through your trust STOP this segregation which is

really heart-piercing.

Somehow, I always wanted to get this message over to the Air Force

but I trust you as the best media through which I can remove these

labeled `widow` houses. Why can`t they live in the same

accommodation as regular officers` family houses ? Why must they be

outcast like lepers colony?

You have a fan in me if you need any help for your trust. All your

articles have been a treat to read.

Dear Samina,

I did not write any comments on your previous beautiful article and did not want to even comment on this well put together tribute. It`s mainly due to immense appreciation that made me think a few times what to write. And, then I took a lot of time and turned out the article had left the scene to reside in the archives. Still the impact was so longlasting that I have no words to explain. I don`t think that you need appreciation. It`s just that you want to share your loss with a wider audience. And, probably that is another way of becoming strong and stronger.

I must mention that you were very fortunate to have a companion in life who was not a hurdle in your development but assisted in your growth...who was not threatened by your progress but served as a motivation. These are very unique male attributes. And, there are very few who have the said attributes.

Your earlier tribute to your husband and the follow-up served as a very unique example. Mainly because we do not have that many Pakistani Professional Women residing in Pakistan or anywhere else on this planet earth who come forth and speak that positively about their relationship, the outcome and above all their own growth process. Ironically, it takes experience to acquire all the above. But far more from experience it takes passion and desire to jot down that experience(or appreciation). Also, the quality of relationship is very subjective and varies from person to person. There are certain things that you have pointed out about your late husband that also highlight your own qualities and standards.

I do not know how to end but quote the following that my Ammi has always recited to us since our childhood...I hope it provides some solace.

Best Wishes and Regards Always.
Zahra Jamshed.


A Psalm of Life
by
Longfellow(one of my favorites)

TELL me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!—
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world`s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe`er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,—act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o`erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o`er life`s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

Samina, Having written my first reaction to your emotional yet pragmatic article, the only question that boggles me: where do we go from here? This is the question I have been posing to people all my life. Now what? We can`t change the history. Can we change the future? With the kind of apathy we have with the learning from events, I become pessimistic. It is only hope that is keeping me alive. May be it is not hope, it is only the potential energy. Hope comes from environment. If the environment is contented in a mystic equilibrium, there is little expectation. It does not require management, Leadership is required. Do you think we have the right leadership to bring about a change in procedures in the PAF? This is too tricky a question. I being not from the PAF CAN ask this in my innocence. Most belonging to PAF might not even comprehend it. The indifference is killing. I am surprised at my own will to live on this planet.
Stay put. Keep it up. You are a candle in the wind.
Wahid

Dear Mrs. Rizwan,
Last August I was in Pakistan (I live in the US) for my niece`s wedding, and I visited the grave of my my father (Brigadier Nazir Ahmad). I was surprised to see that he rests in peace in the grave right next to that of your husband, and thought of the article you had written last year about him. I said a prayer for your husband as well.

My father passed away peacefully on the morning of September 16 2002 at 6:30 am at our home in Islamabad. He was a wonderful man with many friends and interests, a great sense of humor, personal courage, and humility. Our domestic servant, whom he treated like a son and whose children`s education he paid for, fainted with shock when I told him that my father was no more. I could write much, much more about him, but just thought you would like to know in case you ever wondered about the graves around those of your husband.

Nice article, please accept my heart felt sympathies.
As presented to the public, there are several inconsistancies in the facts (?) about the accident. There are rumblings that the Fokker was a staged operation. PAF staff (including the airmen) must be shaken to the core :(

got through to your website. good work and very detailed info on it. I will write to your managers regarding voluntary work (if possible).

RE: escapist #17

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Ras

I agree with Samina that when she suffered she understood the sufferings of those who had already suffered. I urge PAF to take stock of the situation. Considerate societies draw lessons from mistakes. Stubborn communities turn a deaf year to screams. I wish PAF had also responded to it. It only takes to make the right procedures for the secure future of widows and children.
I agree with Subedar as well. The plight of widows of NCOs and men is beyond description. When we are spending most of the earned money on the lavish lives of the Generals, why can`t we spend pennies on the dependents of Shuhadas.
Samina`s message contained more meat for the living. It simply says do what you have to before the lightening strikes. Be spiritual before you are logical; prepare your family for the sudden death; build up courage in the children to face the Pakistani society when misfortune takes over and spend more time with your loved ones when you are alive.
WahidKK

samina, hi. i have read all your articles and you two were perfect for eachother.
some questions in my mind. i read your article about the trust that you had established in your husbands name. this was written quite some time back. is it still operational and do you have volunteers working for you or have you got any permanent staff. if i want to work for your trust as a volunteer, is it possible. do i get in touch with you or any other contact that you can give me. i have tried to log on to the site but it doesnt appear. i will try again. i hope people have not dissapointed you in this venture and may god bless you and your children.

...samina, even though you speak of your husband in glowing terms he was equally lucky to have someone like you...here`s wishing you and your children all the best....

Ras.

I was hardly 12 yr old in Mianwali, and Rahat uncle was my neighbour.

An Amazing person, may Allah swt bless his soul. He taught me bedminton. A cery kindhearted man.

``Khuda teri lehad per shabnum afshani karey
Sabza-e-naourasta iss gul ki nagehbani karey``