Phoenix, Unqua, and Huma.

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#15 by ShoreSahib

That ``showed`` line definitely needs a rewrite.

Every opinion is ``constructive`` as well as instructive .
This was a fun exercise and you helped.

Thanks.

I dont know how those lines ended up in the post. Please ignore them.
I will try to explain a bit more clearly this time. I hope it helps.
When I read the poem, I understood the mythology, metaphor, allegories and message hidden in the verses.
But..
I was perplexed at the the way you put these ideas into words. I dont know how else to say it, but your syntax was lacking where your ideas were not. The flow from one stanza to another was well... how should I put it..... hmmm, uh, not quite there!
What do you mean when you say,
``My embers in AlHambra glowed
A thousand years but no one showed``
What do you mean by ``showed``
Use of more sophisticated vocabulary combined with revision of syntax would make this poem superior not just in ideas but also in its execution.
I hope I have helped, please understand my criticism is meant to be constructive.
Oh by the way, I look young for my age. I have one of those baby faces. I am 29 though.

#13 by ShoreSahib

thanks for taking the time.

You are right about the `pings`. just escaped through.

The rest of your explanation is prettry confusing. Maybe, its the lines . Are they under-lines?

Your Ibne-Arabi`s quote has opened new doors for me. Thanks a lot.

You seem to have read a lot--at such a young age ( at least from your picture)

`` I sort of heard me think, if not
in language-sign a bird so cute
it said: ``I`m Phoenix*; burnt & mute,

---

my embers in Al-Hambra glowed

---

A thousand years but no one showed``
``Just when the Phoenix folded wings
I felt a silhouette`s pin-prick pings
Again a bird--I`d never seen
In sweet-sad sound it said ``I`ve been
away so long, as if dead or extinct
The truth`s I visit those who think
some call me a holy-grail..what tripe!
Reveal I do! to those who strive.

---

You make a vow to work and think

---

and then you`ll see me in a wink

It is disjointed because it lacks good flow between sentences. The last stanza has no connection to the whole poem.
What the heck is`` PIN PRICK PINGS``???????

The subject matter is wonderful, love the metaphors but the way it is put together does not do justice to what this poem could become. I would urge you to revise, re-word verses, and improve the syntax.

ping Pronunciation Key (png)
n.

1. A sharp, high-pitched sound, as that made by a bullet striking metal.

I dont know what Unqaa means in Farsi, but in Urdu it literally means a rarely seen bird or refers to something rare and wonderful.

Anqa is an Arabic word denoting a legendary bird, which may be depicted as a phoenix, gryphon, eagle, thunderbird or the persian Simurgh. It symbolises the purest Spirit of all spirits.

The Anqa is described by Ibn `Arabi as ``the dust-cloud within which God opens up the forms of the universe``.

#11 by ShoreSahib
No . It was originally written in english.

Please help by giving example of disjointedness and poor articulation. Thanks.

No it is not exactly the Do-Do bird, but just as in english it is said `` went the way of Do-Do`` meaning no longer exists. Similarly in Urdu `` Unqua ho gaee hae``. That was the context.

Thanks for your feed-back.

I get the feeling that this poem was originally written in Urdu.
If the original language of composition is English, the ideas seem disjointed and articulation is quite poor.
Also, How did you arrive at the conclusion that the Unqua bird is the extinct Dodo bird of the Indian Ocean.
Huma reminds me of the following:
A persian name: Zil-e-Huma meaning Shadow of Huma.

errors removed.

---

Phoenix, Unqua, and Huma.
A story-poem for the young ones.



As one late night I went to bed
just trying to sleep and lo! instead
I heard a voice call my name
I saw a figure, near it came
`it`s kind o` bird`, or so I thought
I sort of heard me think, if not
in language-sign a bird so cute
it said: ``I`m Phoenix*; burnt & mute,
..............my embers in Al-Hambra glowed
.............A thousand years but no one showed``

Just when the Phoenix folded wings
I felt a silhouette`s pin-prick pings
Again a bird--I`d never seen
In sweet-sad sound it said ``I`ve been
away so long, as if dead or `xtinct
The truth`s I visit those who think
some call me a holy-grail..what tripe!
Reveal I do! to those who strive.
..............You make a vow to work and think
.............and then you`ll see me in a wink

A fluttering here,-- another there
Another bird then flew in here
It wore a crown, and jewels so bright
I had to close my eyes ! such sight
`It ought to be the king of birds`
``and that am I``, or so I heard
............``Huumaa** I am, and you`d be king,
.............if you so want, under my wings``

The trio then put up a show
and made me smile, laugh, and glow
A whirling twirling in a trance
the three began to dance and prance
The Unquaa*** sang, the Huuma sang
Such songs that bells all over rang
and Phoenix tapped its tiny feet
In chorus they said they`ll meet
...........................Again when muslim children be
...........................the leaders of the world--and free!
...........................for that they have to close their ranks
...........................and pray to Allah--offer thanks.


Footnote: Written as part of an address to a graduating class in Pakistan.

*Phoenix:--legendary fictional bird also called fire-bird. Sings a song with such an intensity that even though immune to fire it burns itsef out. Impales itself on o thorn in this death dance, hence also called a thorn-bird. Rises from the ashes and regain its gift & glory.Called Quqnas in arabic/farsi/urdu.

**Huma: The legendary fictional bird in farsi mythology. Very auspicious and good omen if it flies over someones head casts its wing-shadow will be king. Iran airlines is also called Huumaa for same reason.

***Unqua--Do Do bird. also a bird but now in urdu/farsi daily usage means something which has disappeared from the market or usage. (Unqua ho gaee hai--diisappeared like Unqua)

#7 by temporal
That URL is good. I will add that to my resource file.

errors..sigh! but then how many really read `that` diligently anyway. One should take these things very non-seriously & never worry.

So I don`t.

[Others:
Your input was very valuable as well.]

...my nick is khamkhwa...please note for future reference...;)

... maryam nightingale...member since 13 march 2005

...shehrbano ... member since 14 march 2005

... interesting...poem is published before the `poetess` registers with chowk... must be related to chowk owners...;)

haiN kawakib kuch nazar aatay haiN kuch...

BTW...here is a Ghalib verse with ``unqa`` for general information...

aagahi daam-e-shunidun jiss qadar chahay bichaay
muddua unqa hai apnay aalam-e-taqreer ka

maryam/shehrbano/writer!

I wish more people had read and/or responded. Anyway, it is just a beginning. A few errors went unchecked. I regret I did not catch them before hitting click.

errors could be caught between the time of submission and publication and even after publication;)...just FYI

* * *

``Many commentators still understand the word ~ri, chOl, in Job xxix. 18 (A.V. sand ) of the phoenix. This interpretation is perhaps as old as the (original) Septuagint, and is current with the later Jews. Among the Arabs the story of the phoenix was confused with that of the salamander; and the samand or samandal (Damiri, ii. 36 seq.) is represented sometimes as a quadruped, sometimes as a bird. It was firmly believed in, for the incombustible cloths woven of flexible asbestos were popularly thought to be made of its hair or plumage, and were themselves called by the same name (cf. Yaqut i. 529, and Dozy, s.v.). The anka (Pers. simurgh), a stupendous bird like the roc (rukh) of Marco Polo and the Arab-ian Nig/11s, also borrows some features of the phoenix. According to Kazwini (i. 420) it lives 1700 years, and when a young bird is hatched the parent of opposite sex burns itself alive. In the book of Kalila and Dimna the simtir or anka is the king of birds, the Indian garuda, on whom Vishnu rides.``

http://14.1911encyclopedia.org

#1 by huma_mir
Thank you huma_mir. Huma(_mir) opened the door, for sure.

#4 by supersize
The answer is in the footnotes. I reproduce here for you.

***Unqua--Do-Do bird. also a bird but now in urdu/farsi daily usage means something which has disappeared from the market or usage. (Unqua ho gaee hai--diisappeared like Unqua

#5 by hush
Thank you . I agree. Let us all try ourselves.

Others:
Your input was very valuable as well.

I wish more people had read and/or responded. Anyway, it is just a beginning. A few errors went unchecked. I regret I did not catch them before hitting click.

good stuff marium!

some people OUGHT TO bring these urdu legends to I-only-speak-english kinda people..

Mariam, what does Unqua mean? It`s a pretty name.

Not really deep or anything. It was ok until the last four lines.

...to me this is a simple story of a ``chiRi maar`` who couldn`t get any during the day and his/her subconcious takes him/her to sleep...showing the kind of dream his failure has forced on the psyche...