Dust and Color

Salam
Very nice..well written..I could imagine all of this...and see it in my mind`s eye.
Hope you always feel this way about Pakistan.
Take care
Allah Hafiz

It finally clicked in my mind, what your writing style reminds me of. Ice cream!:) the very best of-course. It is a pleasure to read you.

Very nicely written. I have very much the same experience on my each annual (two to four week) trip for last many many years. Your story is similar to a number of divided families. A good number of replies talked about your male female parity lines, but I want to mention some other stuff. You wrote

``we settled down in one of the waiting areas while someone took care of immigration and baggage claim for me. One of the wonderful perks of being a middle-to-upper class citizen living in a poor, third world society is that if you know the right

people, and you`re worth knowing for them, you can get a lot done with minimal trouble. ``

I see so many bad things in Pakistan`s system which need to be corrected. Like many others I blame Pakistani People for corruption and not following the rules and law. But then I realize the education rate, poor training, having never seen the good system-in-working-condition, unemployment, ``Sfarush`` are the few ingredients that brought the mismangement which we have in Pakistan`s every public/govt department (including airports).

I can forgive Pakistani people when they dont obey the rules and laws. But when I see my fellow passengers who fly from USA (who obey the US law and praise the system in USA and talk tirelessly against the bad system in Pakistan)and received by their relitives and govt officals(whome they call before leaving to Pakistan and let them know their flight # and time)in offical areas, I really get mad.

I cant believe these are the same people who in USA, do everthing themselves even push their carts. As soon as they touch Pakistan, they change themselves and start looking for help (short cut)from officals through safarush, Rishwat and connection etc.

Why do they need someone to wiat for them near the airplane (in case of top safarshi), or just before the immigration( in case of medium safarshi) or near the bagagge just before the customs( in case of small Sufarshi)???

Having my relatives and friends in military and customs, I never asked anyone to come inside the official areas to receive me.

The half an hour or so which I spend at airport after arrival is my worst time in pakistan on each trip, when I feel so ashamed by my fellow so called Americans` (Blue Passpot and Green card Pakistanis)actions (``phurtian``).

Re: SR

``...while talking about gender survivability you suggested that after age one year girls should out number boys. That would only be true if there was parity in numbers at birth. If I`m not totally mistaken, US figuers show that at birth we have 52 males for 48 females. (Why is that? I`ve never found an answer.) It takes almost twenty years of higher mortality in males before parity is reached. And then, of course, females progressively outnumber males...``

Sorry Sohail, I missed this yesterday. You are of course right in quoting this figures for the US. In fact, a sex ratio of 105 males to 100 females is a universal phenomenon (except where there is selective female fetus abortion by ultrasound) - presumably an evolutionary compensatory mechanism to counteract increased mortality among male children which is observed even in highly industrialized countries at every age after birth, but especially within the first month of life. Therefore, by early childhood, the number of males and females balance out. However, in South and East Asia, by the age of 1, there are many fewer female infants than male, with reversed mortality trends. I have the figures somewhere. Will dig them out when I get a moment.

Anita

Well written Ms. Shamim. As always, you let it flow very smoothly.

The replies have taken some interesting twists. Ras, you reply touched me because I too don`t have ``roots`` in Pakistan any more and my father`s grave was never my favorite site to visit any way.

But still when I go to Pakistan I really get a lot out of it. Free from family obligations for the most part I get a lot of opportunity to meet people and travel. I go every four or five years, but I try to spend at least a couple of months when I do go. Since I`ve moved away from Pakistan, I`ve seen more new places in that country than I did while I lived there. Only this last summer I went for less than a week, but that was unusual.

And sorry to bring this up Anita, but in an earlier reply while talking about gender survivability you suggested that after age one year girls should out number boys. That would only be true if there was parity in numbers at birth. If I`m not totally mistaken, US figuers show that at birth we have 52 males for 48 females. (Why is that? I`ve never found an answer.) It takes almost twenty years of higher mortality in males before parity is reached. And then, of course, females progressively outnumber males. With this minor addendum, I fully agree with your sound arguments.

On the matter of sons taking care of parents, its not uniformly true. My mother who now lives with my sister in London, lived with me for five years from early 1988 to end 1992. Though she was not bed ridden or disabled, still, being older and non conversant in English, I had to do plenty of caretaking for her. Of course, I didn`t have a wafadaar gharalou wife who catered to her needs, it was only me. I wasn`t the best `caretaker` but then neither was she a cripple herself.

...SR

If there was any confusion with regard to my
response, I LOVE Pakistan. It was this love
that drove me to spend 7 years here in the
US to volunteer my free journalistic services to the Pakistani community here.
But like the house that once was my home in Karachi, long ago disposed of and broken down
(probably apartments today), time does move
on and priorities (children etc.) change.
The visit to the grave of my father is always
an emotional one in Karachi.
But after 25 years in America, I still wish that
I could share with my family what my father once
shared with me. But that is no longer possible.
I think that my poem ``A Beggar From Karachi``
published on CHOWK expressed some of the
yearning for a time that now seems like long ago.

This is why I feel that we should cherish what
we had or have in Pakistan in the days of our youth.
Anne is still lucky that she has a place to go
to called ``Home``. Mine is now in the USA.

Ras

Re: annogul post # 13

No harm done! I only meant that in a sarcastic sense and jokingly too!

Thanks for your answer though. Children have an amazing gift for being honest and their reactions are always interesting.

In response to you and Ras, on the topic of Pakistan changing, my question is whether Pakistan has changed or we have changed?

In my own case, since I left Pakistan in April 1981, I have only been back on summer breaks and have often felt as a tourist. Since then every time I`ve returned, Pakistan looked different, because my own perceptions were different mainly because, as you said, my ties were slowing being eroaded. My only connenction to Pakistan is through my mother and through my brother and his family. To me, Pakistan is closely associated with my own childhood and maybe, when I return there, that is what I am hoping to find; the child I used to be in a simple and carefree time.

My emotions for Pakistan are still there, but they are muted. I can still remember the way life used to be in Pakistan. Everytime CNN`s political correspondent Andrea Kopple does a report, from the State Department, I always look over her shoulder and see if I can see the Pakistani flag and when I do, I am still trilled! A few days ago, I browsed through the Hipakistan website and listened to some old songs, and I started to tear up, because those songs related to my childhood. I listened to some new songs and there was no reaction.

To paraphrase the words of the Belegian author, Emil Verhoeven, Pakistan is a memory of what I used to be and it will never be the same, because sadly I have changed.

RAS: Thanks. I`m terrified of the notion that a time will come when Pakistan will hold no (or very little) allure for me. The older and wiser tell me that once my parents are gone, it won`t be the same. I shudder just thinking about it, but I guess that`s life. As things stand, I really can`t relate when people merely shrug at the mention of a visit to Pakistan and say ``ub vahaan kiya rukhha hai?`` Despite my resistance to their lost enthusiasm, a part of me does understand....

FEROZE: I hope you didn`t mind my using the term `token friend.` It was only meant as a stupid little joke. Actually, you may be the only `lovable` Republican I`ve ever come across....

As for my kids in Pakistan: well, my daughter (who is younger) loves it. My son, on the other hand, claims to hate it (it`s like a chainsaw through my heart every time he says that). My two kids have very different personalities: adaptable, extroverted, friendly, social VS. dark, brooding, shy, contemplative. I guess I don`t have to point out which is which. So, a lot of their individual preferences (for Pakistan) come from their distinct personalities.

It`s very stressful sometimes to try to keep my son `entertained.` Yes, the loss of TV (which they don`t have much time to watch at home, anyway) is a big problem. Other inconveniences, which my children never lose a moment in reminding me are: 1)the milk tastes horrible; 2)the cereal is awful; 3)showering every morning is a big pain since there`s no central heat; 4)there`s nowhere interesting to go to (I don`t go to Karachi); etc. etc.

On a brighter note, though, both my kids are very close to my family in Pakistan, and love playing and chatting with them. It`s when all the adults are busy doing other things that the trouble spots become magnified (especially for Saad).

Re: ANITA

You know, it just might be a matter of experience and surroundings but I would like to take a look at the data that you refered to where the people of the industrialized nations are shown prefering daughters over sons. Also What I was trying to get at is that it depends solely on the person as I have many men around me who have families of their own and who also take care of their parents. I was disagreeing with you mainly in that respect.

I don`t think you can tell, that your child will take better care of you, by the fact that the child has its sexual organs inside as opposed to outside.

I am a son and I have two brothers. My intense relationship and that of my brothers` with my mother has hampered other relationships in our lives including romantic ones. I guess if you are right than I must be one of the quickly diminishing type of sons, who does care.

And BTW, I voted for a daughter as my first born in a recent survey on chowk and that is simply because I saw my father being monopolized by my two sisters. I would like to get a taste of that.

``As we drove up the narrow driveway, the familiar sight of cracking paint and mildew on the boundary walls conjured up that rare feeling of wanting to live the moment, taste and relish its deliciousness, the moment in which past is past and the future is not invited. This was home.``

Very well written Anne.

Ras

Dear All
Please continue to relish the moment. It is
when one no longer has a place of origin to call home that the vacuum hits like a hammer.
One of the main reasons I don`t visit Pakistan
often is because such a place no longer exists
for me. Sarte`s existential man comes to mind.

Re: annogul

You mentioned, in your article, that your kids were born in the States and I was just wondering, how did they react to Pakistan? Did they miss their 150+ TV channels; in general, how did they react to the slow pace of life in Pakistan?

I remember when I ``visited`` Pakistan during summer breaks, being a polsci major, I used to go through a series of CNN withdrawal symptoms! My friends would kidnap me and take me to these parties and then would blame me, because I was not interested! I wish you had written more on this aspect...but that is just me...

Your token Republican friend...you make me sound like a minority or some really weird foreigner! :)

I wrote this little account about three years ago. My grandmother died of a stroke last year; my mother and one of my uncles (the one who came back from Dubai) were at her side.

RISHI: Thanks. This means a lot coming from someone who has a wonderful ability to remain objective and honest through thick and thin. I sometimes miss finer points of potential contention if I agree with the overall argument. You don`t. Which is why I`m really afraid you`ll find a `demerit` or two to ripple the calm waters of my smug glory....

AFRASIYAB: Thanks, dost. You know, I never even thought of the contrast between relationships you point out--quite interesting. I better come up with `one more article like this` fast, so that you`ll go ahead and do me that honor....

ANITA ZAIDI: Thank you (what a change! It`s almost not as much fun as last time...). Yes, these trips to `home` really do evoke a plethora of mixed-bag, roller coaster emotions. It takes me a good month to settle down, too.

As for the whole daughter vs. son thing, I do agree with you. I have one of each, so let`s see how it works out. Some generalizations can be made safely, and this is certainly one of them.

FEROZE: Thank you, my (token) Republican friend. You`re always too kind.

GK: Thanks for the encouragement.

Afrasiyab, I am happy to expound further, but wasn`t sure which part of the statement you disagreed with.

Here it is again:

``I feel that part of the reason that people in industrialized countries prefer female children over male, is the realization that in old age, a daughter is much more of an asset to disabled parents than a son is.``

As I see it, there are three parts to the statement -

The first part says that people in industrialized countries prefer female over male children, implying `as compared to non-industrialized countries`, although you are correct to point out that perhaps I wasn`t explicit enough in my statement. One cannot deny the strong preference for male offspring in South and East Asia. Yes, this is a generalization, but it is a generalization amply borne out by our social indicators. For example, the highly unequal sex-ratio of 110 men for 100 women in South and East Asia, as compared to about 107 women for every 100 men in industrialized countries (biologically, females have higher survival ability at every age, compared to males, given favorable circumstances exist, so one should expect to see many more females compared to males at every age after 1 month, if both sexes are treated equally by the caretakers).Interestingly, this preference for male children is evident in the number of children living, at a very early age. By the age of 1 year, there are many more male infants living than female infants in Pakistan, India, and China although biologically, it should be the other way around.

The second part of the sentence implies that when parents are of an old age, daughters expend more mental and physical energy in taking care of their parents compared to sons. Again, I base this on actual data from the US, but I admit that in the Pakistani realm, my observations are anecdotal. I just have never come across any son who personally takes care of aging parents (others are welcome to chime in, if they have observed something different). They usually rely on their wives - and as women become more and more independent, with their own jobs and activities, as well as responsibity to their own parents, this will become a big problem in Pakistan, especially since middle class life expectancies have gone up tremendously. This is the major reason why there is such a need for nursing homes in industrialized countries, and the situation among middle class Pakistanis is expected to approach the Western model.

The third part of the statement professes support for the idea that fertility decisions and gender preferences among offspring, whether consciously or subconsciously, have at some level, an economic dimension to them, and hence the word `asset`. There is a huge literature on this. I refer you to the writings of Gary Becker, Richard Easterlin, and John Caldwell.

Regards,

Anita

Lovely! A beautiful piece.....makes me want to go back for a visit.

Anne,

This is a lovely piece of writing. Vivid and poignant, and very reminescent of my own visits home, down to the Nani. Bidding farewell to the emotional vacillations of my vacation month with a final lump in my throat, and staring into the contrasting sterile predictability of my life in the US, what makes me feel the most guilty, is a selfish inner voice that says - this was a mistake - I shouldn`t have come - because the visit will leave me unsettled for another month.

Aging and its related senility and physical incapacitation, as your Nani has, are already big problems in Pakistan. In fact, South Asia alongwith China are going to have the world`s biggest aging problem in 20 years or so, without any of the infrastructure or services required to deal with it. Almost all of this care is currently provided by women - daughters and daughters-in-law. As more and more women work outside the house, and do not feel an obligation to take care of demented parents-in-law (you allude to this somewhat in the description of your Nani at your uncle`s house), and quality hired help becomes more expensive, I think nursing homes will become inevitable in many cases, especially when all offspring is male. I feel that part of the reason that people in industrialized countries prefer female children over male, is the realization that in old age, a daughter is much more of an asset to disabled parents than a son is.

Anita

``I feel that part of the reason that people in industrialized countries prefer female

children over male, is the realization that in old age, a daughter is much more of an asset to disabled parents than a son is.``

Anita:

Comming from you, believe me, I had to read it twice. I have read your comments in other articles and this reply paints a completely different picture of you in my mind than the one I had prior to this. I am sorry, but on behalf of all the cases of my friends and peers I know, I will have to disagree. Generalizations on any basis, be it gender, race, colour etc. are almost always wrong. I don`t see a reason why this would be an exception.

Do dispel my disappointments by telling me that you were on an emotional fringe due to identifying with this article while you wrote this. Please.