Dark Places
Soysauce March 31, 2005
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#13 Posted by DrDr on April 2, 2005 8:55:37 am
Oh & looks like theres a typo - U r happy 4 Naomi @ Helenas wedding?
#12 Posted by DrDr on April 2, 2005 8:54:03 am
Soysauce, this was a decent read. A little unbelievable but interesting. I liked it that u left a lot 2 the readers` imagination - including whats going on in Helenas mind :)
#11 Posted by Prashant123 on April 1, 2005 8:13:30 pm
Am disappointed. Thought Harimau would have a thing or two to say on his old buddy masanamuthu`s effort...still waiting...
#10 Posted by soysauce on April 1, 2005 2:37:48 pm
FV,
``Creamy``, ``chocolate`` - indulgences just like recreational sex.
About Helena wanting to leave on a whim - maybe it`s the harmones of a new mother, i don`t know. I do allow it`s a stretch.
``Creamy``, ``chocolate`` - indulgences just like recreational sex.
About Helena wanting to leave on a whim - maybe it`s the harmones of a new mother, i don`t know. I do allow it`s a stretch.
#9 Posted by soysauce on April 1, 2005 2:26:46 pm
temporal,
Perhaps you`re right. What i do in my readings is to remind myself constantly that the writer is not the protagonist nor the antagonist to the point i have become skeptical of the veracity of even allegedly autobiographical accounts.
catsifhblues, thanks. In the second installment, they get ``married``, and not surprisingly, stop having sex ;)
Subroto, thanks for the encouragement. Now, i can`t say if the narrator is a woman or a man. It`s purposely obscured and hence nothing to let slip at the end. I`ve always wondered if it would be possible to tell a story without any reference to the gender of the characters. Apparently not well, going by my effort here. BUT, the ambiguity can add a new dimension to the sexual references, IF done well. The problem could be that, ultimately, i am a man and i cannot detach myself from it.
Perhaps you`re right. What i do in my readings is to remind myself constantly that the writer is not the protagonist nor the antagonist to the point i have become skeptical of the veracity of even allegedly autobiographical accounts.
catsifhblues, thanks. In the second installment, they get ``married``, and not surprisingly, stop having sex ;)
Subroto, thanks for the encouragement. Now, i can`t say if the narrator is a woman or a man. It`s purposely obscured and hence nothing to let slip at the end. I`ve always wondered if it would be possible to tell a story without any reference to the gender of the characters. Apparently not well, going by my effort here. BUT, the ambiguity can add a new dimension to the sexual references, IF done well. The problem could be that, ultimately, i am a man and i cannot detach myself from it.
#8 Posted by subroto on April 1, 2005 1:11:15 pm
Quite a good first ``serious`` attempt at fiction. Now only if you had let slip at the end that the narrator is a woman.....
#7 Posted by catfischblues on April 1, 2005 10:33:06 am
What makes fiction fascinating is the intricate combination of fantasy and reality. It is like collecting the discarded pieces of reality and juxtaposing them into fantasy. The ingredient that I felt missing ever so slightly was that of reality, which in my opinion could impede that ‘edge’ you were attempting to instigate. As pointed out before, that a woman would find it very difficult to just leave her family for another man in a second. Perhaps, the aim should be to provide an edge that would have some roots in reality that would in turn strike that truth cord in our souls. There was room in your portrait to provoke in your readers the ‘dark secret’ that we either dare not speak of or dare not act upon, if you know what I mean.
However, aside from the literary criticism, I did enjoy the read; because frankly, any account that involves passion and intimacy is an attractive read to most of us. Hope to see more. In fact I would like to know what happens to this most interesting couple :).
However, aside from the literary criticism, I did enjoy the read; because frankly, any account that involves passion and intimacy is an attractive read to most of us. Hope to see more. In fact I would like to know what happens to this most interesting couple :).
#6 Posted by temporal on April 1, 2005 10:15:09 am
soysauce:
the first person narration gives it a `cheesy` look as you fear...the readers have to make an effort to separate the writer from the narrator...and most of the times it is too much as a writer to ask of a reader....at least in this mixed medium...
perhaps
had you changed it to third person the feelings elicited would have been different
rgds
t
the first person narration gives it a `cheesy` look as you fear...the readers have to make an effort to separate the writer from the narrator...and most of the times it is too much as a writer to ask of a reader....at least in this mixed medium...
perhaps
had you changed it to third person the feelings elicited would have been different
rgds
t
#5 Posted by soysauce on April 1, 2005 9:14:18 am
Scott, NHK, FV & Kishore, thanks for the comments. This was my first ``serious`` attempt at fiction.
I had a feeling that this was going to be perceived as `cheesy` and am therefore pleasantly surprised by the comments.
As with all fiction, this too must have some autobiographical component being that i cannot separate myself from myself. I deliberately tried to keep the sex & sexuality of the narrator ambiguous. Looks like i didn`t succeed in that. Farzana, while being perceptive to the fantasy aspect of the story, still sees this as a man narrating it. If the author were more anonymous, would you still see it that way Farzana?
Kishore came the closest mentioning `pale or tanned skin of their women.`
Would you all take a second look & tell me where I failed?
I had a feeling that this was going to be perceived as `cheesy` and am therefore pleasantly surprised by the comments.
As with all fiction, this too must have some autobiographical component being that i cannot separate myself from myself. I deliberately tried to keep the sex & sexuality of the narrator ambiguous. Looks like i didn`t succeed in that. Farzana, while being perceptive to the fantasy aspect of the story, still sees this as a man narrating it. If the author were more anonymous, would you still see it that way Farzana?
Kishore came the closest mentioning `pale or tanned skin of their women.`
Would you all take a second look & tell me where I failed?
#4 Posted by vagabond78 on March 31, 2005 11:17:33 pm
[As I lay in bed, Helena would come over and I`d run my fingers over her smooth, creamy skin quietly]
If it`s really about creamy skin and chocolate body then the intensity at the end is really surprising.
But it`s true isn`t it, we falling for white skinned while most of my foreign friends tell me that they like Indian women for her skin (and eyes occasionally). Much better, they say, than the pale or tanned skin of their women.
Nice and effortless read.
Cheers
Kishore
If it`s really about creamy skin and chocolate body then the intensity at the end is really surprising.
But it`s true isn`t it, we falling for white skinned while most of my foreign friends tell me that they like Indian women for her skin (and eyes occasionally). Much better, they say, than the pale or tanned skin of their women.
Nice and effortless read.
Cheers
Kishore
#3 Posted by FarzanaVersey on March 31, 2005 9:57:24 pm
Soysauce:
This was a smooth, creamy read (yes, a few words seemed a bit askew, but they do not impede). While the emotions and events look real, I think this also works as an extended fantasy -- could the coming together be auto-suggestion? telepathy? or the protagonist`s fantasy going a step ahead into hallucination? (These of course are interpretations to `challenge` a literary spin.) For, both live more in the fantasy world than in reality. A woman wanting to leave everything, including her children, for a ``chocolate body`` has got to be completely in a trance (or is being denied the Mars, Lindt, Snickers bars!).
But, it was a good read with its moments of simple insights which are often ignored.
Re. ``dark secret places`` of the body, if they were secret, then how did she know? :) This buffers my fantasy continuum theory regarding this piece...
- - -
NHK:
[Actually, it is never only a friend.]
I`d put it differently...it can be only a friend, but often in anticipation of the ``descent into hell``...gender differences persist here, though.
[``Mike`s OK, but it`s you I have been wanting. Even when we have sex I imagine you there making love to me``- Happens all the time. ]
All the time? The human animal, especially the male, can multitask only when he is NOT performing!
This was a smooth, creamy read (yes, a few words seemed a bit askew, but they do not impede). While the emotions and events look real, I think this also works as an extended fantasy -- could the coming together be auto-suggestion? telepathy? or the protagonist`s fantasy going a step ahead into hallucination? (These of course are interpretations to `challenge` a literary spin.) For, both live more in the fantasy world than in reality. A woman wanting to leave everything, including her children, for a ``chocolate body`` has got to be completely in a trance (or is being denied the Mars, Lindt, Snickers bars!).
But, it was a good read with its moments of simple insights which are often ignored.
Re. ``dark secret places`` of the body, if they were secret, then how did she know? :) This buffers my fantasy continuum theory regarding this piece...
- - -
NHK:
[Actually, it is never only a friend.]
I`d put it differently...it can be only a friend, but often in anticipation of the ``descent into hell``...gender differences persist here, though.
[``Mike`s OK, but it`s you I have been wanting. Even when we have sex I imagine you there making love to me``- Happens all the time. ]
All the time? The human animal, especially the male, can multitask only when he is NOT performing!
#2 Posted by nazarhayatkhan on March 31, 2005 9:16:11 pm
Soya
Some very perceptive & true interludes:
(She is a friend, just a friend, I kept telling myself) - Actually, it is never only a friend.
(``Mike`s OK, but it`s you I have been wanting. Even when we have sex I imagine you there making love to me.) - Happens all the time.
(.`` Her lactating full breasts were pressed against me. Could this be wrong? Is there a place in hell for me?) - Bit of guilt but said sexily.
(With that she started to caress, kiss, stroke, and lick my secret places. My descent into hell was beginning to be delicious.) - Sensitively felt & honestly put.
nhk
#1 Posted by scott on March 31, 2005 8:15:07 pm
Interesting - has its moments. Some parts could need a rewrite but overall not bad.
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