Broken-Hearts, Dream-Filled eyes No hamidm,

Don`t pass that shame onto me. I`ve been doing something, anything, since I was 19. You should shame the people of your age for doing nothing, for leaving this $hit for people of my generation to clear up. Shame on you, sir.

Umer M.

An Open Letter to the Editorial Staff of Chowk What was needed to be said has already been said. However, I must thank Ana for bringing together the Chowk community. This was something special. I considered Romair`s post excellent (I agree with it 100%) but also found myself nodding to some of Stuka`s earlier ideas.

What constitutes `offensive`? If we step back from the word, then something is offensive if it makes you wince a little. I`ve been offended when figures of reverence have been made fun of. This includes the Muslims, the Hindus and whomever else. I`ve myself been offensive to people. I`m sure I have - in momentary bouts of anger but always in retaliation did the same - wrote an inflammatory comment about someone`s faith, regretting it later, because 1) I didn’t mean it and 2) there are others of that faith also, human with emotions, and they`ve been hurt - doesn’t matter who that comment was aimed at. And that can only be a bad thing.


Strangely enough, I also felt offended when someone mentioned that they would work to split India. I`m supposed to be from the dushman mulk but it felt pretty bad to hear that, like breaking up a family or something. I`ve also been appalled at the shoulder shrugging during Iraq II: The Sequel, and how people espouse `humanist` values but follow laws of the jungle. The death of three thousand people is considered worthy of a minute`s silence. It is a `terrorist` act. The price for the death of half a million children is considered, by Ms. Madeline Albright, `worth it`. That`s called sanctions. The double standards - now that`s offensive.

Nevertheless I would still ask for those people to stay, because this experiment is not yet finished.

If someone called me a bimbo or a slut, I`d probably be grateful because bimbos are usually decent looking and I`m an ugly mug:)

Saying that, there has to be a friendly environment in which dialogue and discussion can take place. If you were to invest in a country, the country has to be of a friendly environment. The same principle should apply to Chowk, na?


Chowk has to ask itself the question: is quality and excellence in perfect correlation with freedom of speech. And why should we believe in such silly concepts as inherent goodness in interactors.

Chowkies must also question themselves. But before they do so, they must look at the figures on the unplugged board: 1300 topics for `off the wall discussion` and 11 for `business and finance`. Is Chowk going down because of `offence` or because of something else?

Thank you.
Umer M.

PS. I include myself in all of this.

An Open Letter to the Editorial Staff of Chowk [[[#55 by m_souza on July 1, 2003 10:24pm PT

Who told you we would take you back now..rather take the bache-khuche wingers and whiners away from our country...hug them...give them jobs and land...they badly need your love and care..
You asked for a separate land…..your holy heaven...fought more than a war for it...millions were killed and uprooted (including my relatives)..stick to it now ]]]


Dear Mr. Souza,

A sincere piece of advice: For people to give two $hits as to what your family underwent during partition, you must also be willing to express sadness at the savagery YOU inflicted upon OUR people. Or is it that the blood pouring forth from your relative`s throat or the amniotic fluid gushing from your relative`s cut up womb is somehow of a superior grade to a Muslim`s? Well?

If Yasser L. Hamdani was here, he would be quick to give you The Guardian`s reference where up to 90% of killings occurred at the hands of the Indians. He would also lecture you on Mr. Nehru`s failure to take suggestions from Jinnah regarding the massacres: perhaps you should blame the pandit. After all, is it not in vogue to blame the ills of society onto the mullahs and pandits?

But that does not matter. Sometime during Partition, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims lost regard for their respective religions, turned animals, and did something that is too painful to even think. Most of us - Pakistanis and Indians - would rather forget these events, forgive each other`s ancestors and move on because that is all you can do. You on the other hand seem to crave for mothering and sympathy. Time and time again you`ve been vocal; time and time again you`ve shown bias.

Well here`s a piece of news for you, sunshine: Stop your prattle, old man. No one gives a fcuk what happened to your relatives. I know I certainly don`t. You`re a nobody.

What?

I said. you`re just another number, as were your relatives - just a piece of stuffing. Oh I know, the chowkies will moan and whine and pretend to be shocked by what I`m saying but when they come across biased ani such as yourself, they`ll understand why.

I`m just sad that someone didn’t uproot you. If you hate this place so much, pi$$ off back to Sulekha. You`ll find plenty of greasy-head, gum chewing apes willing to pat your back.

Umer M.

PS. `I don’t hate you for what you are. I hate you for what you`ve turned me into,` is something a character I`m writing about says. You can never truly appreciate these words until you `meet` people such as m_looza.

Reading Mr. Souza`s tripe makes me wonder. Perhaps I should stop at Karachi, stay for a day and pay my salaam to the great man. It is the least I can do.

Meet Me at The Gym! Sobia,

Exercising is so boring. I remember rowing and after half an hour, thought…what the hell am I doing? It just seems like such an artificial process. If I can’t incorporate something vigorous in my everyday work, then pah, forget it. A couple of press ups and I`m happy.

Tahmed,

5 stars! I can imagine you being a smart student who would raise his hand at the end of every question… and would sit at the front…and was probably a class monitor…and had chubby cheeks... and knobbly knees.

You know, I was about to write down a few drug names used by patients suffering from certain conditions, the important effect of these drugs being that they ultimately reduce the `weight on your hips` thingy by doing a few things here and there but then my ethics programme kicked in. So y`all can walk with your heavy grocery bags and suffer.

It`s best to exercise after a good night sleep. Your body has just undergone an 8 hour period of munchy deprivation so you can lose those carbohydrates floating around in your system quicker and then switch to burning fat, even though it`s fat which is the chief molecule burnt during sleep. Have breakfast before you exercise and that effect`s lost.

There`s a new once-a-day tablet in town which may reduce the risk of heart attacks by up to 80%. I can see it taking off in Pakistan: a pound of jalebis followed by a tablet.

Glad to hear Sameer mentioning interesting points regarding tea. I always have hot water and I try not to pour cow juice into my tea (what a liar, I`m having one with milk right now - full cream of course) for milk can sequester the antioxidants and relieve it of its therapeutic properties…is that right?

Samina mentioned Atkins diet. Load of cobblers. In a way, it`s a bit like diabetes. Think about it: no carbs but just fat and meat for utilisation. So your body will undergo the same biochemistry it does when you are a diabetic, the most dangerous effects being blood vessel damage in kidneys and eyes. Someone correct me here if I`m wrong.

But more important than your health and sanity is this…imagine the breath on you when you go through all that meat! Samina, if you want to start a family with Mr S., I suggest you either do an Atkins diet when he`s got a cold/bunged up nose or that you do not partake in such an activity:) Ho ho ho. Chortle chortle.

Umer M.

Meet Me at The Gym! Ah yes, summer is here and every body is going through the ritual of showing a little bit of flesh. I did the same, wearing only a sleeveless vest when the terrified population thought that the beast of Bodmore had been loosened. I was netted and chained by the authorities and taken to the London zoo and placed along with the bears. Upon closer inspection, they found out who I was and whilst shaking their head in embarrassment…they moved me in with the apes.

In fury I protested but the froth and saliva muffled my English so all that the security could understand was:

`Oonga boonga, lumba pumba. Oonga boonga wooh wooh ah ah ah ah!`

It just so happened that a team of palaeontologists were studying the behaviour of savage apes. When they heard my protestations, they saw in me capabilities that were above the apes`. My jaw was less protrusive. My forehead was high and wide. The temporal regions of my skull were swelled, demonstrating that I had a high capacity to integrate, create and compose information from various senses. I was demonstrating intelligence!

`Could it be?` said Dr. John Smith.

`I don’t know, John,` contemplated Professor Jim Bob. `How can a human be so hairy? I mean, he`s got hair coming out of his eyeballs and fingernails.`

In rage I slapped my cousin Cocoa Pops and took the twig off him, writing on the ground, `Get me out of this f*****g place you a**munch.`

`Did you see that, Jim? He has an opposable thumb and he`s drawn symbols to tell us where he came from. I think he`s trying to communicate. Vocal cords, opposable thumb, a degree of IQ above that of our cousins.`

`I think we have our man!`

The team erupted in joy. Champagne corks arced through the air and everyone embraced everyone. At last, the journey had come to an end…

You can see me on the Natural History Museum under the heading, `The Missing Link` from Mondays to Fridays 9 am to 6.00 pm.

Umer M.

Land of the Pure Urrrm,

This phenomenon is not just limited to Muslims. In a way or so look at the Hindus and Sikhs during the partition. Look at the Kazakhstani Russians who are leaving the country in their tens of thousands. Look at my working class white neighbours who must have got fed up of us Paakis and wanted a bit more of a white environment.

There is nothing wrong with moving to a place where you feel a little bit more comfortable. We all do it…

But I cannot see how going into an `Islamic country` will somehow make you a better Muslim. On the contrary, the bad and the ugly, as well as the good, may pass off as a piece of Islam. Drop oil into water and it becomes a sphere. Drop oil into oil and it diffuses away. Isn’t it better to mix and mingle with different people? How else will you learn who you are and why you do the things that you do? And how else will you learn something new? And if you hang around with people who walk like you, talk like you, act like you and where everyone pats each other on the back and nods at everything you say, how will you grow and develop?

The air that you breathe and the environment that you live within is important but I think it comes down to good, strong and intelligent parents who can build good foundations for you. After that, it’s a ticket ride to the country of your origin and a summer course in any foreign language to open your way of thinking a little

Umer M

For Better or Worse ``Compromise is the key to a successful marriage but what happens when neither party is willing to do that?``

Get a divorce?

Umer M.

Is ’Eve’ the First Human to be Cloned? Salaam Asif,

I think the whole December 26th-27th Eve fiasco was a load of bullshite. I think the Raelians did that just to promote their faith. I would have said `good on em` but I think they may have messed up their image with the consequent withdrawal of their promise to show the child.

A lawyer in Miami (the supposed birth place of Eve) filed a case against the parents and because the `mother` was technically speaking, a `sister` only, the ownership rules (regarding Eve) didn`t apply to them. So the parents never showed their faces and I guess we`ll never know if Clonaid was ever successful. Bollocks!

I would have even believed them hadn`t Doc. Boisellier claimed that her technique was 100% effective. Even Dolly the sheep was one of 20-30ish something implanted embroyos which made it to sheephood.

Gotta agree with Sameer, economics will prevail and people will go about the usual way of procreating. It`s so much more fun that way:)

Umer M

The Summer of ’69 Ali,

Sameer`s just like that. You can`t blame fundos. But you gotta love him for it. I remember smiling at his comment about Muslims not being agrarian people (or something of that sort) for he had completely skipped over the sophisticated farming manuals, usage of Iberian soil for figs, oranges etc. etc., the creation of aqueducts, the appreciation of different types of soils blah blah blah.

And I had a good `ol chuckle when he claimed the superiority of non-God religions over Godly ones for they had never been bad to people from other religions (…or something to that effect) whilst completely ignoring the treatment meted out to Muslims at the hand of say, the devout fundamentalist Buddhists, Abaqa and Arghun, of the Il-Khanate.

Just laugh with it and move on.
Umer M

Spare Us The Smoke, Please! Oh come on,

Smoking`s so cool. It turns you into this sex god kinda type. What`s the fuss about anyway? The nicotine in smoking is said to confer protection against Alzheimers. I would rather have my sanity at the age of 78 than an atherosclerotic artery or a COPD. And I`ll tell you this now, there isn`t a single study in the world which conclusively links smoking to lung cancer. Not one!

Aas far as heart disease is concerned, I`ll get that from my lipid-rich diet anyway. Cardiac disorders are the biggest cause of mortality in the West. Look what happened to Arnie. And any secondary odoemas or water retention around the ankles from that...they have urine tablets for those. And if I get gout because of the urine tablets...well they have tablets for gout also.

And besides, at the age of 78 the stench of decay emanating from my body will prolly mask the smell of ashes so it doesn`t really matter how much I do it.

Arteries can be patched back. There`s chewing gum for cigarette breath and it`s good to flush your kidneys using the urine tablets. It lessens the chances of getting urinary tract infection. Demented brains can`t be fixed (waiting for some smart@$$ to say that I already have it :)

Umer M.

The Late Eid Present Nice one!

`Acche baccho,` says nani jaan, while all the bean-pole kids gather around her. `The moral of the istory is:

`Honesty is the best policy because honesty pays...literally!`

Umer M

PS. Dishonesty is the best foreign policy because dishonesty pays also.

Open Letter to Those Opposing the Iraq War Dear Tauheed,

Ermmm, where do I start from...well how about the fact that the Aboriginis weren`t allowed to vote until 1967 because they were considered part and package of the normal flora-fauna of Australia, as in, they weren`t considered humans.

As for Afghanistan, the communist PDPA was democratic, was it not? Or atleast, it had democratic aspirations, did it not? From that angle, were the mujahideen not a bunch of terrorists? Were they not going against the communist government in a non-legal way? Were they not destroying their towns, cities and even killing their own people to expel the Soviets and the PDPA. And for what? For their political aims?

Does that then not make every single country, that supported the mujahideen, supporters of terrorism? As well as including Pakistan, S. Arabia, China and even India (you gotta love `em for it - they kept supporting USSR until `88 but it didn`t stop them from supplying sh!tty weaponary to the ISI. Beautiful!), would it also not include USA - without whom this terrorist war would have lasted for so many more years?

Thank you.

Drumz,

Is that your picture, mate? And what are you doing thinking about self-publishing and Quark X-press?

Umer M.

A Chance Remark Gotta say it...don`t care what people say...enjoyed this very much.

As for rituals, that`s exactly what they are..rituals...until the desire to improve oneself in a field emerges and until the drive for such change is endogenous. Then, and only then, do some rituals become your aids, your tools, for change.

I think one has to experience life (with an emphasis on creation- be it a baby, a house, a project, a humanitarian effort, a country etc.) to its maximum before certain rituals can make any sense. Living the 9-5 life where you hit puberty at 12, finish your studies at 22, buy a house and a car at 24, get married at 25, have kids at 26, retire at 65 and die at 80, won`t make one appreciate life, religion or rituals at all.

Umer M.

Gujrat - The Verdict Of God Look people,

I gotta agree with Harimau. India is a secular country to the max. It kills everyone: Sikhs, Muslims, Christians, Hindus... it doesn`t discriminate.

Ha ha. Couldn`t resist.

Hey, here`s another joke: What do you a call a country with a population problem?

The biggest Democracy in the world.

Boom boom!

Umer M

Three Arguments Against a War Umair,

Excellent article! Now, before t does this, I`ll ask the question since you have a military background. You must have heard of Depleted Uranium shells, which were used to destroy tanks in Southern Iraq during Gulf War the First. Following the war, there was an increase in the frequency of congenital birth defects etc. etc., which, although partially caused by the lack of nutrients (due to the sanctions), did not provide the whole story. A certain person theorised that the steep increase in the frequency of sufferers was due to the usage of radioactive depleted Uranium as a weapon. I was just wondering if you know whether there have been any actual studies which link the two things together?

Anyone?

Thank you
Umer M

Forgive me, Danny Taimur,

`can`t believe its already been a year!`

Yeah, a little scary isn`t it? Feels like as if it happeend last week.

Umer M.