A Case for Banning Polygamy Sahab biwi to aik he bahut hai. This article and discussion reminds me of an old poem that I heard (unfortunately I do not re-call the name of the author):


SHADI NA KARNA YARO
TUM KO BATA RAHA HOON
AAFAT GALAY PARE HAI
US KO NIBHA RAHA HOON
SHADI NA KARNA YARO

SUBHA KE 9:00 BAJE HAIN
MERE BIWE SO RAHE HAI
BACHON KE FOOJ BETHE MERE JAN KO RO RAHI HAI
BACHON KE BEECH BETHA KHANA PAKA RAHA HOON
AAFAT GALAY PARE HAI
US KO NIBHA RAHA HOON
SHADI NA KARNA YARO

MERE BEWI HAI M.A.
WOH KAM KIYA KARE GI
WOH ``LUX`` SE NAHA KAR
KHUSHBO ME TAR RAHE GI
``TUKRAY`` PARE HAIN YARO
UN SE NAHA RAHA HOON
AAFAT GALAY PARE HAI
US KO NIBHA RAHA HOON

SHADI NA KARNA YARO
TUM KO BATA RAHA HOON
AAFAT GALAY PARE HAI
US KO NIBHA RAHA HOON

MJ

The INS Officer Great read Rozaiba. The registeration process, which wreaks of discrimination of the highest order sucks, however, INS (let`s just say it does not have a good track record as a government agency) implementing it, makes it a scary proposition.....

Here`s an excerpt and a link to an NY Times article from today about the efficiency (or lack thereof) of INS...

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/01/31/national/31FILE.html


I.N.S. Shredder Ended Work Backlog, U.S. Says

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 30 — Tens of thousands of pieces of mail come into the huge Immigration and Naturalization Service data processing center in Laguna Niguel, Calif., every day, and as at so many government agencies, it tends to pile up. One manager there had a system to get rid of the vexing backlog, federal officials say. This week the manager was charged with illegally shredding as many as 90,000 documents.

Among the destroyed papers, federal officials charged, were American and foreign passports, applications for asylum, birth certificates and other documents supporting applications for citizenship, visas and work permits.....

(use the link for the full story).

MJ

Shammo’s Curse Mr. Ibrahim,
Good stuff. Please keep sharing. Here are some disjointed thoughts. It typically takes 3-5 years after marraige to start pontificating the way you have. So how long has it been for you? Also, what`s the deal with electricity/loadshedding/ connection...
MJ
on a lighter note, heard this one the other day.....people who live in glass houses should undress in the dark.....

WC99 Match Report - Pakistan versus West Indies Test

Soulmate? Thanks to everyone who has read this article and shared their thoughts on the topic. As I was jotting this over the course of a boring day at work, I admittedly handled a very serious topic in a non-serious way. However, my intention was not to write about what makes or breaks an inter-racial marriage, but more to highlight some of the things a male desi should think through before tying the knot. May be a better title is a “Checklist of do’s and don’ts for a desi contemplating an intercultural marriage”. I would like to apologize for some typos, which were a result of a quick cut and paste from Microsoft Word. I have re-sent the story to Chowk and it will hopefully be re-posted without the typos.

My views clearly are influenced/biased by who I am and the choices I have made in my personal life. I strongly feel that the decision requires a lot of deliberation and besides a meeting of the minds of the potential bride and the groom there are some other key constituents involved whose opinions should be heard and reflected upon.

Now as to the specific replies to the article, I will not attempt to address all of them, because frankly speaking I did not understand some of them and others went off on tangential topics that I am not qualified to speak to.

# 2. hana

You may look at this article as introspection, however, I think it is worthwhile to think about the ‘mean reversion’ concept before tying the knot to perpetual bliss. A marriage across cultures can require an additional level of flexibility/adaptability that most people may find difficult to deal with after the fact

#3 sa

You have raised some valid points that should be addressed with the soulmate prior to making a life time commitment. Ras, Zahra and some others have coherently written on what makes a successful marriage. I may ask my soulmate to comment on what she thinks has helped us with our relationship because in general, I think women have to usually adapt a lot more than men (Zahra #21)

#4 ali1

Ali, I was merely stating the obvious. There is nothing wrong in having a strong bond with the parents (mother or father). However, after marriage, balancing the relationship between one’s wife and mother can be taxing at times, as many of us can attest to.

#5 princes

I usually stay clear of religious discussion, however,.....If a potential spouse converts because that is a requirement by the soulmate and his/her religion, it is obvious that the genesis of the conversion is not Allah but the soulmate. However, in my opinion it then becomes the responsibility of the soulmate to educate this new convert about the religion. This is what I chose to do, however, I know of other successful marriages in which a conversion was not required. In one instance the couple chose not to have any kids just to avoid any potential conflicts on the issue of religion in the future.

#8 daring

My wife is neither American nor Caucasian (bina #16 thanks for the spelling correction), however, even if that were the case, I doubt my English would have been any different!!!

#11/12 jazba99

I know a publisher who may be interested in a collection of your “unmole moti”. In all seriousness though, there are plenty of cases of people marrying because of visa status or lack thereof. I think that it is their personal choice and do not want to comment on their decisions. However, I think in general issues related to visas - F-1, H-1, H-2, O-1, EBIII etc. etc. (believe it or not, me and my wife have been on each of these visas at various points in time over the past thirteen years) can influence our lives in many other ways. A whole book can probably written on visa related influences on desis or for that matter, all immigrants to this country.

#17 Eklavya

Could not agree more with you. However, as I mentioned before, my intention was not to create a road map for a successful inter-cultural marriage.

# 21 Zahra

One of the points that I did not elaborate upon in my article is the “mean reversion concept”. I feel that before tying the knot one should think about what one wants to do/where one wants to be/what one would be like, in the next ten, twenty, thirty years. Granted no one has a crystal ball, however, to spend time thinking about how one’s tastes/preferences/likes/dislikes may evolve over time is extremely important. Especially in an inter-cultural marriage. Perhaps, I can illustrate with an example. Many desis I have known have had this sudden urge or calling to return to the land of the pure in their 40’s or 50’s. It may be worthwhile discussing with your spouse how you are going to deal with such an eventuality, if it ever arises. I think that in general we become more and more rigid in our ways as we age, and loose the flexibility that we have in abundance in our youth. I think (hobbyty # 26) has touched on this in her message. I have only been married for a little under six years and remind myself why I made the choices that I did and pray for Allah Ta`allah to give me the foresight to be patient and flexible.

Eid is Fun! A well written story Ronin. Hope you get to follow your passion, whatever it is.

MJ