Haseena and Jannat (on earth) apparition: yes, do go ahead and blame it on the women....it is our fault that some of us do not turn a blind eye and are castigated, it is our fault that women do raise all their children to the best of their ability and have little to no effect on the outcome of their children sometimes...yes. continue blaming a lot of it on the women. i think you`ve definitely got a handle on the problem...

Haseena and Jannat (on earth) i had to force myself to read halfway through this myself, especially since some of this hits close to home. and i`ll have to come back to this later, but i have to say this....a society which allows this to happen, and does nothing to change or stop it, is not a society worth living in. no one should have to go through what haseena and jannat did, what countless women go through, and be made to feel that it is part of their life. being abused does NOT HAVE to be a part of anyone`s life.
thank you for sharing this with us shandana!
~ana

The Follies of the Natives feroz,
this is an excellent article, and i agree with everything that you`ve said.

just out of curiosity, what`s happened with the Punjab Club in Lahore. does it still exist?

on the subject of the 1857 war vs. mutiny:
going to school in Lahore, we learned about what happened in 1857 as a `war of independence` (probably one of the few truths in the lies that we were taught). When I was doing my undergrad at uni in Eugene, Oregon, I was very excited about this history class about India. I signed up for it, first day of class, the prof. mentions the `mutiny`. I went to talk to him after class, and told him that being from Pakistan, that was not how i referred to the war of 1857. Not that I was asking him to show some sensitivity, mind you, was just pointing out my understanding of history. he said something to the effect where while what i learned may be true, most texts he`s read have used the word `mutiny.` I chose not to remain in his class.

feroz, i read in your ilog about the email you got re: the Iraqi. would you be able to shed some more light or give a little more info about the email? understandably you don`t want to violate his privacy, but a friend and I were discussing Iraqi christians not too long ago, and so what you said peaked my interest.

The Truth About Karachi i agree with t. on this one. i know karachi is a city in pain, and has been that way for years, but the diseased corps of Karachi, as with any city, can only be healed when collectively, the metaphorical walls that have created this siege mentality will come tumbling down.

Various Poems aamir, that was a wonderful story you told me in your reply to me....i thought i had acknowledged that, but i hadn`t.

ferzoo....loved the `bimbo`.... ;-) and my suspicions were correct the entire time....and the guys didn`t know what L`oreal is, good grief, their wives or future wives are worth it, don`t you think???!!!!
but this may be lost on them as well....so a bit of explanation is offered by the one who watches too many commercials...picture Andie McDowell talking about L`oreal hair color and saying `Because I`m worth it!` at the end!
love, a.

Various Poems ferzi:
LOL. tum bhi kamaal ki batein karti ho...ek dum chikaaas!

Various Poems aamir...
these are great! Purgatory is my favorite (it`s the English Lit grad in me). and i don`t know if onions have feelings, since they make us cry!!!
and you told me there were no new poems...are these from an old notebook???
warm regards,
ana

Land of the Pure once again...ad nauseam nauseam nauseam until thoroughly nauseated, and puking, the front page becomes the battlefield for india vs. pakistan and hindu vs. muslim. it`s enough to make one avoid the front page all together.

For Better or Worse ali87: while i do see what you`re saying, i don`t think that women making choices is a utopia. of course not all women are going to make choices without taking their environs into consideration. i agree that economic pressures force both men and women into working. i also agree that that women as homemakers should be celebrated just as much, because being a homemaker is plenty of work in itself. What I am referring to is the fact that women should not be given ultimatums, or pressured by men especially. what i am saying is that if a woman has a good job that would not interfere with the bringing up of her children, then she should not be given the ultimatum of quitting it or else he quits her. THAT is what i have a problem with. this is not a generalization i`m making here, i`m referring to specific people i know this has happened . And I really don`t want to bring the east vs. west dichotomy into this, because i don`t believe it`s relevant to what i`m saying. you have some interesting observations, but i am not convinced that women making choices about their lives is a utopia, nor am i convinced that it`s purely a western thing. A husband or a father-in-law or even a father should not be the only decision maker in a wife/daughter-in-law or daughter`s life. this kind of thinking keeps us centuries back. . .

For Better or Worse #26.
that judgment seems rather unfair. what do you suggest instead, that couples stay together just for the sake of their children??? I`m not sure that`s entirely for the best either. Children then are exposed to the tension and the fighting between their parents, and it can be a traumatic thing to go through. It isn`t as if divorce is always the easy way out, it certainly wasn`t so for my mother, or possibly even my father. I think such a judgment is unfair when you don`t have all the facts.

For Better or Worse ali87:
i think the choice of women working or not working is a choice that women should make, and not one that should be foisted on them. and it is with this in mind that i say there is no reason to badmouth women who choose not to work. I have a friend who is expecting, and who would like to be able not to work once the baby is born, and i think that`s great.

a strong marriage to me is one where as Zahra has said, two people connect, and work through the struggles brought upon them in the world we live. it is one where there is love, and give and take on both sides. it is one where once children come into the picture, they are valued. The fact that both husband and wife work doesn`t mean the children lose value in their eyes...it has practically become a necessity for both husband and wife to work in order to make ends meet. but a balance is definitely key...as well as communication in making a marriage work and keeping a family together.

Yesterday and Tomorrow in India Today mittarji: there you are! had been wondering `bout your absence from chowkistan :-)
another good travelogue! are there more?

For Better or Worse Love is about making compromises, it is about forgiveness...it means having to say you`re sorry over and over again, don`t believe that `Love Story` crap.

I know of a woman who did have to ask her husband for money on a constant basis, a woman who was told before they got married that she had to quit her job, which she was successful at, otherwise there would be no marriage. and she did, because she loved this man and was willing to compromise. i think she compromised too much on this score, but she has no regrets about having not worked, and raised her four children. And SHE raised them. He can talk about having worked all day long to bring home the food they eat, and to maintain the roof over their heads, but he lost out on getting to know his children and being a part of their lives. Her marriage was never the best of marriages, but she chose not to get out of it because he held the threat of taking away her children over her, and her children have always been the most important people in her life. They still are.
and this was no arranged marriage....it was a so-called love marriage.

DRUMZy...there are other reasons besides `...because a desi would rather live in a bad marriage than have people think s/he is in a bad marriage.` Yes, sharam (shame) has always been a factor, and so has preserving the all-important khandaani naam that have kept bad marriages alive, but i know women who have stayed in bad marriages out of fear for themselves, out of fear for losing their children, because believe me, in a country where women can be made out to be the guilty party in the case of rape, they can most certainly be made out to be unfit mothers when it comes to having any custody of their children.

i don`t disagree with the fact that there is a need for a better family life, BUT, I, myself come from a broken home that was broken long before my parents were divorced, and i feel that our childhood and transition into adulthood would have been just a tad bit healthier had the divorce happened back when we were children. If love, and respect and a certain amount of compromise are not there to begin with, be it an arranged marriage engineered by strangers, or a love marriage. . .the struggles of married life are bound to be even tougher.

Land of the Pure Talha,
thank you for this article. . .i realize that this was a response to zeba khan`s diatribe, but perhaps if you cut and pasted some of her email quotes in your own article, rather than attaching the entire email, it may have been just as effective.
i`m curious....you said you had visited the WAR office a few years ago. i`m hoping there still is a WAR office in Karachi, as well as other cities in Pk. Could you talk a little more about your visit there?

In The Valley of Gods: A Personal Journey dullabhatti: i haven`t been to APNA for a while so i didn`t know. i liked his poems as well. i`m sorry to hear that. my condolences to his family. was he here in the US?

Mummy Guzzlers United t.,
i know someone else who is observing and studying procrastination (aaphiki...) but someone has got to give at some point, hai na?
lve. the practised procrastinator, a.