Hindu Jokes, Revised! saab

Popular demand saab!!

Animal Interactions
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, “That’s a docile old thing isn’t it?”
“No way,” said the zoo keeper, “it’s the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a hindu into the cage and completely devoured him.”
“Hardly seems possible” said the astonished visitor, “but why is it lying there licking its rear?”
“The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.”

A hindu arranges marriage with a woman of appropriate caste. But the woman is reluctant and says, "I will marry you only if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots."
The hindu husband agrees and sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is made for him, and they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him while kills a huge one.
He walks over the reptile, checks its legs, then screams angrily, "71st and *AGAIN* barefoot!"

Q: How did the hindu try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

Importance of Hygiene
Q. How do you break a hindu’s finger?
A. Hit him on the nose.

Q. How do you get a hindu out of a bath tub?
A. Throw in a bar of soap.

A hindu goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks, "Prahji, aap kya kar raheho?"
To this the hindu replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin'".

Q. What is the difference between a hindu woman and a basketball team?
A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Case Files of Doctor Gupta
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would,”
But the fifth surgeon, Doctor Gupta, shuts them all up when he observes: “The hindus are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.”

A hindu woman gave birth to a 4th child. Doctor Gupta filled on the birth certificate, MOTHER: hindu, FATHER: hindu, CHILD: Chinese.
The woman asked, "Why are you writing Chinese for my child when my husband and I are hindu?"
Doctor Gupta shouted, "Fool, read a newspaper! It says that every fourth person born on the earth now is Chinese."

Doctor Gupta told his hindu patient that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos.
At the end of the 300 days, the hindu called Doctor Gupta to report he had lost the weight...but there was a problem.
"Uh ohhh," said Doctor Gupta, "What's the problem?"
"I'm 2400 kilometres from my home."

A hindu went to Doctor Gupta with the tip of his index finger blown off.
Doctor Gupta asked, "How did this happen?"
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," replied the hindu, "and first I put the gun to my forehead, aiming for the 'tilak'. But I thought my face would look horrible so I put the gun in my ear, but then I thought this would make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A hindu with two red ears went to Doctor Gupta. The doctor asked him what had happened and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear," Doctor Gupta stated in amazement. "But...what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."

Kumar, the Cowardly hindu
Q: How do you confuse Kumar, the Cowardly hindu?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the shortest book ever written?
A: Hindu War Heroes.

“Hindu’s history: They murder their friends and surrender to their enemies!”

I got a tip for you , if you install the hindi versions of your favorite computer programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER.

Q: What do you do when Kumar, the Cowardly hindu throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Inter-Faith Jokes
A Muslim, a Sikh, and a hindu were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down. Because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Sikh took the radiator, the Muslim took the seat, and the hindu took the door.
After a while of walking the Muslim asked the Sikh, "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The Sikh responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the water inside."
Next, the Sikh asked the Muslim, "Why did you bring the seat?"
The Muslim said, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand when I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally, they both asked the hindu why he had chosen the door. The hindu quickly responded, "Well, when it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

A hindu went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to hindus," he replied.
The hindu hurried home, removed his 'tilak', changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to hindus," the salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognized me," the hindu thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, tying a turban, dying his beard, getting a new outfit, and wearing big sunglasses to hide his eyes.
Then he waited a few days before again approaching the salesman. "I am a Sikh. I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to hindus." he replied.
Frustrated, the hindu exclaimed, "How do you know I'm not a Sikh?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A hindu is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some whiskey and chicken with him.
A Christian stops and asks, "Kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
The hindu responds, "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun."

A Muslim commented to his hindu friend, "Oh, look at that dead bird. Such a tragedy."
The hindu looked skyward and responded, "Where? Where?"

Stinginess
A gujarati hindu went to do some shopping in the bazaar. He asked the price of a stereo for which the vendor told Rs. 2,000. The hindu asked for Rs. 1,000.
The vendor replied he could give it for Rs. 1800, to which the hindu said, "No, no, only Rs. 900."
The vendor said ok, I will give it for Rs. 1500, to which the hindu bargained Rs. 750.
It was going on like this when finally out of irritation the vendor said he would give the hindu the stereo for free. The hindu replied, "Why not two?"

A hindu is in Delhi. He is walking along a street which has a clock tower when someone asks him if he wants to purchase the clock in the tower. The hindu is very impressed by this great deal and says, "Yes."
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man takes the money and disappears.
After waiting for several hours, the hindu suddenly realizes he was taken for a ride. On the next day, the hindu is again walking along the same street, and again the same man asks him if he wants to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The hindu with a wink in his eye says, "I am not a fool. Here's the money, but this time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."

A gujarati hindu buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim the money and the man verifies his ticket number.
The hindu says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replies, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 years."
The hindu screams, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT NOW! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my $1 back!"

Intelligence (or lack thereof)
Q: Why couldn't the hindu write the number '11'?
A: He didn't know which 'one' came first.

Q: Why did 18 hindus go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed.

Q: How do you measure a hindu's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire-pressure guage in his ear.

Q: What is the hindu doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold onto a thought.

Q: Why do hindus work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Q: What do you see when you look into a hindu's eyes?
A: The back of his head.

Q: Why do hindus always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: What do smart hindus and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but there's never any proof.

Q: How do you get a hindu onto your roof?
A: Tell him the whiskey is on the house.

Two hindus are in a rail station. One asks the ticket man: "Can I take this train to Bangalore?"
"No," responds the railway man.
The other hindu asks, "Can I?"

Two hindu friends got onto a double-decker bus. Naturally other hindus also swarmed onboard in a giant rush, so one friend got pushed to the top level while the other friend was left below. After the huge hindu crowds eased somewhat, the friend on the lower level managed to reach his friend on the top, who was clutching the seats in front of him with both hands, scared to death.
The first friend asks, "What is going on? I was enjoying my ride down below. Why are you so frightened?"
The top-level friend replies, "Yes, but you had a driver," to which the first friend also panicks and grabs at the seats.

A hindu sees a lot of people running on the highway. He asks a bystander as to why the people are running. The bystander says, "A marathon is going on. The winner will get a prize."
The hindu responds, "Then why are the others running?"

Big-Time Brahmin
Big-Time Brahmin is buying a TV. "Do you have colour TVs?" he asks.
"Sure," replies the clerk.
"Give me a green one, please."

Big-Time Brahmin calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Banaras?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
"Thank you," says Big-Time Brahmin, and hangs up.

Big-Time Brahmin was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then he came to the column, SALARY EXPECTED. He was not sure what to write there.
After an hour of prayer he wrote, "Yes."

Big-Time Brahmin goes into a store and sees a shining object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "O fool! It is a thermos!"
Big-Time Brahmin is confused for a moment, then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk stares at the Brahmin for a while, then responds slowly, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
Big-Time Brahmin says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, Big-Time Brahmin walks into work with his new thermos.
His boss sees him and asks, "What is in your thermos?"
Big-Time Brahmin responds, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

Q: What did Big-Time Brahmin do after making photocopies?
A: He compared them with the original for spelling mistakes.

Q: What did Big-Time Brahmin do when he was running out of blank white paper and had only one sheet left?
A: He went to the shop and made photocopies.

Q: How can you tell when Big-Time Brahmin has sent you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why does Big-Time Brahmin have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
A: To remind him Toes Go In First

Q: Why does Big-Time Brahmin have a see-through lunch box lid?
A: So that when he's on the train he can tell if he's going to work or coming home.

Q: Why does Big-Time Brahmin keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They're there for those who don't drink.

Big-Time Brahmin was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of the highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked Big-Time Brahmin why he kept painting less each day.
Big-Time Brahmin replied, "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

Big-Time Brahmin was painting his house one very hot day.
"Why," his friend asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?"
"Because," said Big-Time Brahmin, "The directions on the can say 'Put on two coats'."

Big-Time Brahmin is in a bar drinking whiskey and his cell phone rings, so he picks it up and says, "Hello, how did you know I was here?"

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Big-Time Brahmin, were sent to outer space. The ground control issued the command, "Rubi!"
"Woof!"
"Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!"
"Woof!"
"Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Big-Time Brahmin!"
"Woof!"
"Stop barking, feed the dogs, and don't touch anything."

Bonus Jokes
What do you call ten hindus standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you call a hindu with a peg-leg?
Shit on a stick.

What do you call a hindu with two peg-legs?
A waste of wood.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with an elephant?
A hindu god.

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